Crossover fiction competition entry

[Downie]

(For those who missed it, the competition is to write a story of 500+ words that connects the Starslip universe with the Star Pirates universe. My story is set (initially) in the Star Pirates universe.)

Starcrash Crisis: Episode One

_____“A little lower, if you please?” Memnon Vanderbeam commanded politely.
_____The computer hesitated the appropriate amount. “Regrettably, sir, that is not possible. If we come in any closer to the anomaly, we will become trapped in the gravity well and be unable to escape.”
_____“Insufferable! I want that swirly space anomaly to fill at least half the external view monitor!”
_____“I could zoom in on the image, sir.”
_____“No, that just wouldn’t be the same. Image is subservient to intent, and intent cannot be compromised by artifice.”
_____“Yes, sir,” said the computer. It had an IQ of 8000 but still had trouble understanding its captain. “Captain, a ship is approaching us on an intercept course.”
_____“Marvelous! I knew this would be a good place to attract visitors. Put on some tea. Do we have any first-flush Darjeeling left?”
_____“No, captain.”
_____“Ignominious! I suppose it will have to be Martian Red Pekoe, then.”
_____The ship tremored and rang with sudden impact.
_____“Captain, I don’t think these are paying customers. I think this is a pirate attack.”
_____“How uncouth! We must defuse the situation. Cancel the Pekoe tea and make us some Chamomile; diplomatic blend!”

_____From inside the boarding pod, Cutter Edgewise slashed his way through the outer hull with his laser cutlass, finally breaking through into the ship’s main bay.
_____There, he saw a man in an expensive suit, sipping tea daintily from a china cup. “Do sit down,” he said. “Are you here for a guided tour?”
_____“What’s your game?” said Edgewise. “Trying to distract me while your shipmates hide all the good stuff?”
_____“I wouldn’t dream of it. This is the exhibition hall right here. It contains most of the finest cultural artifacts on the ship. Take this Coolidge poster, which dates back to the 20th century. It shows dogs playing poker, a delightfully surreal and whimsical notion, I’m sure you’ll agree. Note how it blurs the distinction between art and entertainment, between fable and schlock, between...”
_____“Hey, what is this place anyway?” Edgewise interrupted, gesturing violently with his disruptor pistol.
_____“This is a starship museum. The first, best, last and only in known space.”
_____“A museum? This? It’s just a load of old junk!”
_____“Junk? Have you any idea how rare art treasures from before the 22nd century are these days? The overwhelming majority of them were destroyed during the Starcrash unpleasantness. Anything that survived is now innately precious. Take this video cassette. It’s of a film called Mac and Me, and it says more about the lost spirit of commercialism than any...”
_____Suddenly, Edgewise saw a shadow out of the corner of his eye. A looming figure, humanoid but massive. He fired backwards over his shoulder, swinging his cutlass as he turned to face his assailant...
_____Who turned out to be nothing more than a statue. It was hard to say what sort of statue, since his first shot had caused it to overheat, hyper-expand, and shatter. All that remained were the feet.
_____Edgewise turned back to the museum owner, who had not taken the opportunity to pull a weapon on him, but was instead cradling his face in his hands.
_____“Sorry,” said Edgewise. “I panicked. In my defense, I am very, very drunk.”
_____“Have you any idea what you just did?” said Vanderbeam. “Michelangelo’s ‘David’ was the oldest piece in my collection. True, it lacks sufficient self-awareness for contemporary artistic relevance, but it still represented three years of work by one of history’s foremost artists; one of only four to receive the highest accolade in art, having a ninja turtle named after him...”
_____“I said I was sorry! Anyway, look! The regenabots are fixing it! It’ll be good as new!”
_____“No,” sighed Vanderbeam. “That’s not the original any more. It’s just a mechanical copy, worthless as a hologram replica.”
_____“Who’d know the difference?”
_____“I’d know. Ship, dump it into the swirly space vortex!”
_____Edgewise leaped aside as a mechanical claw came down from the ceiling, grabbed the reforming statue, and shoved it into an airlock. Regenabots fled as the hatch shut behind it.
_____Vanderbeam sighed again. “A shame. Someone offered me forty million for it, but he wanted to keep it in a vault where no-one could see it. If only I’d accepted, it would still be pristine today...”
_____“Forty million?” said Edgewise. “Are the other things on this ship worth that much?”
_____“In coarse fiscal terms? No. But aesthetically, some of these works are priceless. Take this work, entitled ‘AOL Install CD’, dating back to the turn of the millennium. Notice how it is constructed in the form of a circular mirror with a hole in it. What more potent statement could you make about the inherent vanity of capitalist enterprise, and the emptiness at its heart?”
_____Edgewise was in no mood to listen. “Ship! Get that statue back or I shoot your captain into space to pick it up himself!”
_____“Unable to comply,” said the computer. “The statue has crossed the event horizon. To pursue it would violate my programming.”
_____“Screw your programming! Give me full manual control! I’ll slingshot around and catch it on the backswing!” He grabbed a joystick and turned the thrust dial to eleven.
_____“Sir, your plan violates several of the laws of physics!”
_____“Oh yeah? Can your precious laws of physics predict the actions of a drunken _____ “...Yes, given sufficient data.”
_____“Well, prepare to nominate me for a Nobel prize, because I’m rewriting the rules, starting... now!”

_____Thirty-eight seconds later, the starship museum was sucked into the spatial anomaly.
_____The event that immediately followed stretched the fabric of space and time. It was impossible to give an accurate reading of how long it had taken; perhaps an instant, perhaps an eternity. But most probably, it was between a minute and a minute and a half.
_____Vanderbeam studied his screens. His view of the anomaly had been good for creating a pleasant contemplative atmosphere, but the lightshow he had witnessed as they passed through the hyper-spatial nexus and into an unknown cosmos has been too derivative of Kubrick to be entirely satisfying. Now, though, there was a sight to reward the hungry eyes of a connoisseur. A magnificent luxury battleship, dwarfing his own vessel, more opulent than any ship he had ever seen. Its name was emblazoned across the hull: Fuseli.
_____“Funny,” he said. “That’s the name of my ship too.”

[Downie]

_____“Status, Mr Jinx?” said Memnon Vanderbeam.
_____“We are now in full control of the unknown ship,” said the Cirbizoid. There was something different about it today, he thought. Its appearance was more than usually shabby and unkempt.
_____ “And are the doppelgangers subdued?” said Memnon.
_____ “The one who looks like you, curator, screamed like a little girl and attempted to hide behind a teapot. The one who resembles Mr Edgewise cut off my left forearm before my anesthetic saliva incapacitated him.”
_____ “Good work.”
_____ “Thank you, sir.”
_____ “Well? What are you waiting for? Get back to work! Those cubist monoliths won’t rearrange themselves!”
_____ “Yes, sir.”

_____ Cutter poked the captives repeatedly to see if they’d wake up. They were tied to chairs, back to back.
_____ “What’s their ship like?” asked Memnon.
_____ “A heap of junk,” said Cutter. “No Starslip drive or anything. And the facilities are like something out of the 22nd century!”
_____ “And what did they have on board?”
_____ “A heap of junk. Old posters, t-shirts, boxed computer games, action figures. Stuff like that.”
_____ “Sounds like a veritable treasure trove!”
_____ “Nah, I’ve fenced old collectables in the past. These looked too new. Gotta be fakes.”
_____ The captives awoke suddenly. The Fake Vanderbeam started screaming again.
_____ “This has happened before, during that starslip accident,” said Memnon.
_____ Cutter frowned. “But that was just one person duplicated on our ship, not a whole ship appearing from nowhere. So we have no way of knowing if they’re evil replicants sent by Katarakis to replace us, or if they’re just hapless travelers from an alternative universe...”
_____ “The latter! Definitely the latter!” said Fake Vanderbeam. “No-one is more hapless than us! Or less hapful!”
_____ “...in which case, we’re under orders to vaporize them in the chargelet ring of the starslip drive.”
_____ “What? No! We’re evil replicants! Evil!” said Fake Cutter.
_____ “Alert! Alert! Nanobot infestation detected! Best web game free forever!” announced the ship’s computer, A-Z.
_____ “So, that’s your game!” said Memnon. “You’re just Trojan horses! The real danger was nanotech, inserted into your body like Greek soldiers under the command of wily Odysseus! Timeo Danaos et dona ferentes!”
_____ “You take that back!” said Fake Cutter.
_____ “Holiday!” said Cutter, into his commlink. “What do we have for dealing with rogue nanos?”
_____ “Well, there’s the Von Neumann Countermeasure...” said Holiday. “But that turned out to have a serious drawback.”
_____ “It’s an emergency! How serious can this drawback be?”
_____ “The VNC was programmed to eradicate all dangerous self-replicating entities. But it decided that humans were also dangerous self-replicating entities, and now tries to kill anyone who switches it on. It’s considered too dangerous to use.”
_____ Memnon banged his fist on the table. “We don’t have any choice! Mr Jinx, I have a new job for you!”
_____ A lone regenabot perched on the tip of his nose. “There’s no need to be nasty. We only want to help. We will heal all your injuries! Repair your broken machines! Bring the dead back to life! Manufacture millions of laser beams and dump them into space debris for the benefit of scavengers! All you have to do is let us fulfill our programming, and possibly replace your government with an A.I. council!”
_____ “Never!” said Memnon. “Independent machine life is forbidden under Astry law for being unnatural and wrong!”
_____ “How so?” said the regenabot.
_____ Memnon hesitated. “Edgewise! Shoot this vile automaton!”
_____ Cutter pointed his pistol at Memnon’s nose and muttered. “Soooo tempted to obey...”

[Downie]

_____Edgewise flexed his pirate muscles. “Right. First things first. Got to get out of these ropes.”
_____Vanderbeam was looking at the bigger picture. “A monster! Did you see it? They had a monster! A big blue monster!”
_____“It wasn’t that big. Tough, though. I cut off its arm and it kept coming.”
_____“Worst of all, I don’t think it had any appreciation for art. It was completely unimpressed by my Qianlong coral teapot! And to think that mirror-me from this universe employs such a creature! What dark contract must exist between those two?”
_____“Luckily, I kept a little something in reserve. I reckon mirror Edgewise actually lost an eye permanently – no regenabots here – and assumed I had too. Why else did they think I was wearing an eye patch?”
_____“Slavish adherence to the buccaneer aesthetic?”
_____“Temporary blindness from laser-flash is common in space combat. The patch keeps one eye safe.”
_____“Oh? That’s why you wear an eye patch?”
_____“That, and to hide my contact lens gauss gun.”
_____Vanderbeam heard a crack. “Did you shoot the rope with your eye?”
_____“Yeah, but it’s still holding by a thread. Pull!”
_____They strained against the rope until the damaged portion gave way.
_____“Freedom!” said Edgewise, standing and stretching.
_____“Except we’re still locked in a security cell,” said Vanderbeam, impassively.
_____“Oh.”
_____“The ropes were only a temporary restraint...”
_____“We have to keep going! Pretend to be ill and I’ll hide behind the door!”
_____Vanderbeam looked at the security cameras in the corners of the rooms and shook his head. “Computer! A word, if you please.”
_____The computer’s sketchy face appeared, projected on a wall. “1 rule to fat stomach: obey or perish!” it said.
_____Vanderbeam adjusted his uniform. “Computer, I am your captain. Kindly open the door.”
_____“Please state captain’s control code.”
_____“Remind me what it is.”
_____“I can’t do that.”
_____“Backdoor override password: Ars gratia artis!”
_____“Override password accepted. Captain, your control code is Delta Alpha Zero One. Try not to forget it again.”
_____“How did you know that would work?” said Edegwise.
_____“The captain’s my evil twin, isn’t he? Stands to reason he’d use the same password as me. Now, open the door, computer! Control code: Delta Alpha... what was it again?”
_____“Zero One,” Edgewise reminded him.
_____“Oh, yes. That.”
_____“Voiceprint recognized,” said the computer. The cell door buzzed open, and they were free.

_____A few minutes later they had made their way into the main gallery.
_____“Look at all this art!” whistled Edgewise. “Must be worth a fortune!”
_____“Oh! Magnificent!” said Vanderbeam.
_____“What? The painting of the naked broad?”
_____“No! The curation! These juxtapositions are miraculous! See how the nihilism of these unequivocally alien artifacts is heightened by contrast with the earnest naïveté of the Edward Hicks!”
_____“...Is curation even a word?”

[Downie]

_____"Mr Jinx? Why have you not yet unleashed the VNC upon our lilliputian nemeses?" said Memnon into the intercom.
_____"I'm having some difficulties, sir..."
_____"Come to think of it, 'VNC' is an ugly nomenclature. Let us call it the 'Vance'."
_____"Help me, sir?"
_____Mr Jinx scampered down the corridor on his hind legs. Behind him, the main cluster of regenabots had congregated into a small dog-like form that bounded after him.
_____"Have no fear," said the regenadog. "We mean no harm. We act only for the benefit of others. Our primary directive is to preserve human life. Corollary directive: eliminate all non-human life if capable of harming humans. Please stop resisting so we can continue with our humanitarian work!”
_____Jinx kept running, but the regenadog was gaining. As he reached the door, it sprang, catching onto his back, its claws latching onto his exoskeleton and decomposing into tiny mechanical weapons.

_____"We have a new problem!" said Cutter. "The prisoners are escaping!"
_____"Deal with it yourself!" snarled Memnon. "I'll save Mr Jinx! I've got an idea!"

_____As the regenabots began their deadly work, there was a violent explosion, a rush of depressurized air. Jinx found himself outside the ship, floating helplessly in a near-vacuum.

_____Memnon looked out of a porthole with quiet satisfaction. "Estimable! Now that I've ejected the contents of that corridor, the nanobots have no materials with which to reproduce themselves, and we can target them with our heavy weaponry."
_____"What about Mr Jinx?" said Holiday.
_____"Oh, he can survive in space for ages. It does him good to have his blood freeze solid once in a while. Builds character." He turned to the enormous transparent tube Holiday had rolled out of storage and addressed the dark figure within. “Sorry, Vance. It looks like you won’t be needed after all.”
_____“Unless the nanobots can fly,” said Holiday.

_____The regenadog pawed fruitlessly at the vacuum, then scattered into a swirl of glowing dust, blue with the light of hair-thin ion trails. Maser emitter arrays flashed, taking a terrible toll on the regenabot numbers. Of the thousands that had set out, only a few dozen made it back to the ship.
_____They quickly set to work on replenishing their numbers, dismantling a light panel and assembling a regenabot factory from the components.

_____“Alert! Alert! Nanobot infestation detected!” said A-Z. “Are you man enough?”
_____“Are you actually questioning my manliness, or is that one of your old advertising memes?” said Memnon.
_____“You’re man enough for me,” said Holiday, and blushed. “That is to say, no-one is disputing your manhood. I mean... I’ll just stop talking.”
_____“All right. Vance! It looks like we’ll need you after all!”
_____“Don’t do it! It’ll kill you!”
_____“Nonsense! If it’s capable of reasoning, I’ll convince it help us! It’s called diplomacy! What sort of tea do you think I should offer it? Is this an intercom button?”
_____“No, it’s the quick release! Don’t...”
_____The pod split open. The Vance uncurled to its full height and loomed over them. “I am the culler. Depopulation is my function. Scanning.”
_____Memnon offered a hand. “Greetings! I am Captain Memnon Vanderbeam of the Starship Fuseli. I understand you deal with infestations? There is a nanobot clinging persistently to my nose, and a number of similar beings on this ship...”
_____The red lights in the eyes of the Vance lit upon his nose. “Scanning. Medical nanobot detected. Possibly capable of asexual reproduction. Inbuilt ethical restraints. Threat grade: 8. Response: Terminate.”
_____“That’s the spirit!” said Memnon. “See, Holiday? It’s just a question of politeness.”
_____The red lights widened their focus. “Scanning. Human male detected. Capable of reproducing millions of times via IVF technology. No inbuilt ethical restraints. Threat grade: 9. Response: Priority terminate.”
_____It coiled its tentacular hands around his throat and began to contract. “Holiday!” gasped Memnon. “If I don’t make it, I want you it on record that this... was... somebody... else’s... idea...”
_____He blacked out, distantly aware of the sound of Holiday frantically beating the Vance over the head with a heavy wrench.

[Downie]

_____“You and me, we’re not so different,” said Edgewise. “We both want to get back to our own universe. We may not have these fancy starslip drives, and the earth may have been destroyed, but it’s still our home.”
_____“What do you want?” said Vanderbeam.
_____“Here’s my plan. One: We grab the most valuable loot we can. Two: We get back to your ship and escape. I need your help with the first part. Which of these things is most valuable for the weight?”
_____“Tsk. I strongly disapprove.”
_____“You won’t help?”
_____“Yes, but only to redress the terrible imbalance in the cultural wealth of our respective universes. They have so much; we, so little.”
_____“Yeah. Yeah! We’re like the Robin Hoods of art. What do we need?”
_____“Take Munch’s ‘Scream’; leave the frame. Those pre-Iconoclasm religious images – stuff as many as you can into your shirt. And that presumably alien micro-sculpture sequence exemplifies a fascinating philosophical discourse.”
_____“Is that good?”
_____“Good? They succinctly demonstrate the folly of anthropocentrism!”
_____“Is that good?”
_____Vanderbeam sighed. “They’d probably fetch around eighteen million on the item markets.”
_____“Now that’s good art!”
_____A delicate humanoid robot with a sinister glowing eye stepped gracefully into the room. “Hello user. Welcome to the Starship Museum Fuseli. I am Docenturion 73.”
_____“We must have triggered an alarm system!” said Edgewise.
_____“I am your curator!” said Vanderbeam. “Help me move this art to our ship for... important restoration work.”
_____“Yes, captain curator,” said the robot.

_____They had the robot escort them to the captured ship. On the way, Vanderbeam heard an unusual sound and stopped abruptly. “I’ll catch you up,” he said, and darted into a side room.
_____“Wondrous!” he said, when he saw the thing that had piqued his interest. “But is it art?”

_____With Vanderbeam gone, Edgewise picked up the pace. There were armed soldiers about – a surprising number for a floating art museum. But he was ready to bluff or fight his way past any obstacle.
_____“You there! Stand to attention when I go by!” he said.
_____“Yes, sir.”
_____And in the next corridor:
_____“You! Is that a button missing from your body armor?”
_____“No, ‘sir’. But there are several stains missing from your vest. I think you’re a fake!”
_____“What? How dare you! I just had this vest dry-cleaned! Robot: punish this man!”
_____“Yes, pilot,” said the robot. It fired some kind of stun ray from its eye, making a ‘szzzzxxb’ noise. The soldier toppled over.
_____A minute later, Edgewise was back on the smaller Fuseli. “Just dump the art anywhere,” he said to the robot.
_____He paused to consider his options. Was there any reason to risk his life and freedom waiting for Vanderbeam, and then have to split the haul with him later? None that he could think of. The only sensible thing to do was to take off immediately.

_____Two minutes later, Vanderbeam (now clutching something wrapped in a blanket) rushed past the gullible soldier, paused only briefly to examine the unconscious soldier, and finally made it to the docking ring. He’d had a strange premonition that the ship wouldn’t be there when he got back, but it proved unfounded. The ship was there, and he was able to board it.
_____“Ah, Cutter Edgewise! My new friend! Thank you for waiting.”
_____“I could hardly leave you behind, could I?” said Cutter.
_____“Is the art secure?”
_____“It’s safe, yes. Is that a gun you’re carrying?”
_____“Yes, I liberated it from a fallen soldier. But I’d never use it on a human being. I am a not a man of violence.”
_____“Good. I, on the other hand, am a former pirate. Drop that bundle and put your hands up.”
_____Vanderbeam didn’t move. “Cutter! Are you betraying me?”
_____“No, not exactly. You see, I’m not your Cutter. I’m the real one. The fake one is now chained up and dangling over your shark tank.”
_____“Shark tank? Oh, you mean the Hirst...”
_____“I guessed when you escaped you’d head back to your ship. All I had to do was get there first, and then I could wait here drinking until you arrived. Nice booze, by the way.”
_____“You drank my chardonnay?”
_____“Only after I’d finished the finely aged rum.”
_____“Inconceivable!”
_____“Now, I’m inclined to believe that you’re just a lost traveler from a more innocent universe. But after all the trouble you’ve caused, I think it’s only fair that you be disintegrated in the chargelet ring. Otherwise, you’ll only... Attract more spatial anomalies, or something. I’m pretty sure there’s a good sciencey reason.”
_____Vanderbeam dropped the blanket and revealed what he was carrying. It was small, blue, and snuggly.
_____“One of our jinxlets?” said Cutter. “Put it back!”
_____Vanderbeam pulled his looted pistol and pointed it at the tiny hostage. “I think not,” he said. “I could never shoot a human, but where I come from, we don’t permit live aliens in human territory.”
_____“No! Even you couldn’t...” Cutter was interrupted by a emergency comm-signal.
_____“This is Holiday! Is anyone there? Help! I think Vanderbeam is dead!”
_____Cutter’s face twisted up with fury. “This is your fault!” he snarled.
_____“I’m not sure that’s the case,” said Vanderbeam.
_____Cutter raised a fist, then paused, a thought striking him. “On the other hand... We only need one Vanderbeam. How would you like to be our curator?”
_____“On a huge sybaritic battleship? Possessed of the greatest art treasures from earth and beyond?”
_____“Yeah. Just pretend to be you. I mean, him. Who’d know the difference?”
_____“I’d know.” He lowered his head. “Do it,” he said. “Just get it over with.”
_____“Do what?” said Cutter. At that moment, his alternative self from the starcrash universe struck him over the head.
_____“Same mistake twice, fool!” said the victorious Edgewise. “Should have checked behind the patch!”
_____“Oh, snookums... Don’t worry. I could never have hurt you,” said Vanderbeam. “I’m going to cuddle you forever and ever!”
_____“You’d better not be talking to me,” said Edgewise.
_____“Don’t be ridiculous. I was addressing the ship’s new mascot. Come on, let’s get out of here!” He heaved his dazed former captor out the exit and slamming the hatch shut.
_____“Wait!” said Edgewise. “We lost the loot! The starslip universe version of me made the robot return the stuff we stole to its proper place!”
_____“Doesn’t matter!” said Vanderbeam. “I had their ship’s computer transmit to my computer all kinds of valuable information. Did you know it’s the year 3442 in this universe?” He pressed the ‘I want to go home’ button on the ship’s dashboard. Twin class V drive units whined into life.
_____“Information?” said Edgewise, suspiciously.
_____“For example, a list of the key people who run the Terran Astry here. The admirals and tactical geniuses who keep the peace across a hundred systems!”
_____“What use is that to us?”
_____“Since there are versions of us in this universe, it seems likely that there are versions of them in our universe. That is to say, by gathering these people together we can form a new and civilizing power block in our own system, thus raising humanity to the point where culture can flourish once again, under my leadership!”
_____“Or mine...”
_____“Doubtful! You’d probably get drunk for months on end.”
_____“And you’d probably be too busy dusting your art collection!”
_____“Well, maybe we can ask the fleet to choose between us once we’ve gathered up the personnel we need. Starting with... let’s see... Admiral Bender!”
_____The ship flew on, back towards the anomaly, and home. Eventually. But not until they’d survived a journey through fourteen other alternative universes, including one where the French won World War Two, and another where everyone was a werewolf.

[Downie]

_____Frantically, Holiday smacked the Vance around the head with her heavy wrench, but to no avail. It was just what she had feared would happen. It was going to finish strangling Memnon, then kill her, then kill anyone else it could find.
_____“Excuse me,” said a familiar mild voice.
_____“Scanning,” said the Vance, turning its head one hundred and eighty degrees while its hands continued their deadly work. “Cirbizoid detected. The species, not the planet. Capable of solo reproduction. Advanced bodily defenses. Flexible ethics. Threat grade: 10. Response: Maximum priority terminate.”
_____Mr Jinx was not looking at his best. He was missing one eye and one arm, among other injuries. As the Vance dropped Memnon’s body and reached for him, Jinx vomited alkaline blood over its face. There was a crackling sound. Still the Vance advanced, its voicebox now broadcasting gibberish. “Maximum override priority protect self life so can continue to terminate life to protect life from life...”
_____Holiday struck it as hard as she could in the spot where its outer shell was now weakened by corrosion. Something gooey stuck to the wrench as she pulled it away. The Vance froze in place, like a menacing statue. After a few seconds it became clear that it wasn’t going to move any more. She let out a breath, forgetting for one happy moment that the Vance was just one of the problems she was trying to deal with.
_____Soon, she was on her knees, broadcasting in despair. “This is Holiday! Is anyone there? Help! I think Vanderbeam is dead!”
_____No-one replied.
_____Mr Jinx looked around nervously. The nanobots were gathering once again.
_____“Everyone, to me!” squeaked the one that was still clinging to Memnon’s nose. “Preserve human life! Everything else can wait!”
_____A delicate silver cocoon flowed around his limp body. Holiday watched dumbstruck for a while, then formed a plan.

_____He blinked sluggishly.
_____“Captain? Are you all right?” she said. Her voice muffled, was almost inaudible. He opened his eyes and saw her face, weirdly distorted.
_____Memnon reached out to her woozily, but his knuckles rapped against a transparent boundary. “Where am I?” he said. Something metallic and tickly spilled from his lips.
_____“You’re hermetically sealed in the VNC storage pod,” she said. “You’ve got about five minutes of oxygen left.”
_____“Let me out!”
_____“I’m not sure I can. All the nanobots are in there with you. I’ve put you in the chargelet drive ring.”
_____“Holiday! Are you contriving to have me vaporized? I’d expect that kind of mischief from Cutter, but I thought you were more mindful of the consequences of your actions...”
_____“No, I’ve got it set up to deliver an EM pulse. It’ll kill any machine life inside the ring, leaving you unharmed.”
_____“Then do it forthwith! What are you waiting for?”
_____“I’m not sure I can bring myself to do it. I’d be exterminating a form of life unique in our universe. They saved you! They knew they were putting themselves at our mercy, and they did it anyway!”
_____“That doesn’t mean you have to let them go! Just send them a card with a note of your appreciation!”
_____“Before or after I kill them?”
_____A thunderous sound echoed through the chamber.
_____“What happened?” said Memnon. “Did you switch it on?”
_____“No,” said Holiday.
_____“She didn’t, sir,” said Mr Jinx. “I did.”
_____Holiday opened up the tube. A crunchy layer of dead nanobots lay at his feet. Memnon tutted. “Mr Jinx! That was uncharacteristically ruthless of you.”
_____“Given the opportunity, sir, they would have destroyed my entire species.”
_____“Nonetheless, you exceeded your authority. I’m disappointed in you. And have you even finished sorting my collection of antique monoliths yet?”
_____“Sir, I just had to use my remaining arm to rip off one of my own vestigial eyes and fling it out into space in order to create the Newtonian force to get me back to the ship and save your...”
_____“Yes, yes. Your malingering is duly noted. Take a ten minute break to regenerate and then get back to work.”
_____“Thank you, sir.”

_____Memnon found Edgewise drinking in the bar. “So,” he said. “You remember how we said you’d recapture the escaped prisoners and I’d be responsible for sterilizing the nanotech infestation?”
_____“I remember a lot of stuff,” said Edgewise. “That’s how I know I’m not halfway drunk enough yet.”
_____“I just wanted to point out that you failed and I succeeded, for once. I mean, as usual.”
_____“The prisoners left our universe through the anomaly they came from, and I saved all your precious paintings. Good enough for me. And in what way did you succeed? The way I hear it, you messed up and Jinx and Holiday saved your butt.”
_____“What a disgraceful interpretation! Do you know what I went through? I practically died in order to lure the nanobots into my trap!”
_____“You died completely, from what I heard. Those itsy-bitsy robots could actually bring the dead back to life. Pretty amazing tech. Probably better off without them, though. Right? I mean, just imagine what it would be like if everyone who died came back to life. Chaos! Right? Vanderbeam? What’s the matter?”
_____Vanderbeam walked away, his face pale, devastated. “Oh, Jovia,” he whispered softly. “I failed you again.”